1. On occasion, I get to meet smoking hot porn stars, such as Lanny Barbie.
2. On occasion, I get samples of products to test out.
3. I go to bi-monthly managers meetings where I get free sex toys, and free lunch.
4. I get to work with a couple of the funniest, most enjoyable women I've ever met.
5. I get a nice, fat discount on porn and perverts' tools.
6. Sometimes I win fun prizes from our incentive games that we do.
So, recently, to elaborate on perk #6, I won a $200 gift certificate to the store. At first I was bummed, because since I pretty much own at least one of everything in the store worth owning, after working there for so long... I would have rather had the cash. But then I remembered that there were a few things I was coveting that were otherwise kind of out of my not-much-disposable-income price range. And I got my staff discount on top of the $200, so I was able to come away with a pretty sweet haul.
Check it out:
My first purchase was a Tantra Beam. Basically, it's a device that makes you look like you have a robo-hand and it makes your finger vibrate so that your finger becomes a vibrator. I always thought this was cool because I like the idea of my own finger getting me off the way a vibrator does, without the plastic intervention.
Here is the device in its little home.
Fits like a charm?
Fear my vengeful Robo-Hand (TM)!
I'll let you guys know after tonight if it's worth it or not.
My next coveted item was the Clone-A-Willy!!! I have wanted this MF for ages now, since it first came into our store. You can make your own vibrating dildo from a cast of anyone's dink! Absolutely ingenious. So hey, for all of you men who don't like the idea of your woman using a toy when you're not around, OR if you get intimidated by your girlfriend's dildos because they're all "so big", first of all: you're idiots, but more importantly, just get one of these kits and make her a copy of your manhood, and you won't have to be jealous of a fucking sex toy! Unless you can fathom being jealous of yourself. Which, again, makes you an idiot.
To be able to tell you guys how this went, I'm going to have to have a volunteer to let me clone his "willy". Any takers? I should hold a contest where you dudes send me pictures of your ween and then I pick the winner whose dink I want to clone. Your prize? Nothing. Or, the satisfaction of knowing that someone thinks your weiner is good enough to clone.
Disclaimer: This contest is fictional. I don't think I really want random weiner pictures in my inbox. Unless, of course, you really want me to see your weiner, for some reason. Plus, wouldn't it be kind of creepy of me to steal a copy of your manhood and be like "Okay thanks, I'm going to go have sex with you without actually having sex with you, now! See you later!" I will most likely just get Dave drunk and try to convince him to stick himself into this tube full of rubber mold and go from there. For his privacy, pictures of the results will likely not be posted. In the words of Salt N' Pepa, "Ehhh, saw-rry!"
Last, and least, because let's face it, I have enough porn to keep a pervert happy for years so it's of low importance on this list, is "Sexual Freak 2". I'm pretty excited about this porn, because Teagan Presley is pretty hot, and there's a really good-looking redhead on the back cover, and I saw a preview for this on another movie I have and it looked pretty decent. It's directed by Robby D., and for those of you who aren't gross sex perverts, he's a really good, innovative porn director whose movies are usually good and very visually stimulating (I mean aside from all of the naked people getting it on in front of your face).
Oh, and I also bought some weird white chocolate-smelling body "fondue" scrub for the shower, but that's boring for you (but delicious for me!) so it's not worth mentioning. Oh, too late?
Alright, you're free to go wash the dirty stink of sex and voyeurism off yourself and watch some Grey's Anatomy, or whatever it is you freaks watch (uhhmm Lindsay, Grey's Anatomy airs on Thursday nights, not Mondays! Get with the program, you culturally-retarded ignoramus! Gawd!!!111).
<
Ps:
I was on some sex toy website looking for a good page to link for the Tantra Beam, and came across this unintentionally funny little quirk:
Haha, I'm not sure what language this is... but anally-frightened women all over the world are nodding their heads in unison right now. Apparently in this language, even the word "anal" is a complete rejection of the idea! Oh loosen up, Germany/Russia/Japan/whoever you are.
