4 out of 5 morons agree.

OH NOES! THE GOLDEN COMPASS IS "TOO PLOT-HEAVY AND COMPLICATED"!!?!?!?!?!!

I guess not EVERY movie can be dumbed down for morons.



Ps.

that's entertainment!

I just heard this story on the radio about this band - whose name I won't bother mentioning because they suck hard - who, before they were signed, went to a stop on the Vans Warped Tour and set up a generator outside of the venue where the lineup was, and just started played their songs. Apparently a record company exec heard them and things snowballed from there.

Man, that's pretty cool, I have to say. If you're determined enough to go somewhere with your music, pulling gutsy moves like that is fucking awesome and more bands should do shit like this.
Hey, if you love your band enough and think you deserve to get a record deal, and if you love music enough, then why be bashful? Go all the way, pull out all the stops. Don't just be a pussy and play in shitty clubs on the weekends with all the same people watching you and expect something to happen for you. Make moves. Be grand. Don't be a wimp - create your own hype.

i just invented a drink:

It's called a Blue Berry Speedbanger!


1 1/2 shots of Smirnoff Raspberry vodka
1 shot blue curacao
Jolt Blue
crushed ice
garnish with a lemon



DELICIOUS.

thursday night insanity.

It's not even officially winter yet, and already I'm sick of coming home from work and it being dark out. Coming home to a dark, empty apartment every night is very depressing. And it makes me tired.
All day I have energy and vow that I'm going to clean on any given night, and then the second I get in the door, all that just goes away.
Maybe I need some more lights in here.

Hello, Seasonal Affective Disorder!!!

I think I'm going to pick up some St. John's Wort so that I can make it through this winter without killing myself.

Ha... ha?

What's up with me and the pills lately? I'm always gobbling ibuprofen but it's weird because all my life I have been totally against medication and all that jazz, except for the periods where a) I was on birth control pills, and b) I tried Wellbutrin for a year. And now I'm like "what's up doc, can we rock!? Gimme some migraine horse pills!" and I'm going to go back on BC pills next week, and now I'm gonna go mess around with St. John's Wort...?

Guess I'm lookin' for a quick fix quick fix quick fix chick tricks? nip slip:

I have to say, though... life seems a lot sunnier when I look at this:

how to kill a sunday afternoon.

Last night I was going to go to the big punk night at the Embassy with the Vapids and whatnot, but I was feeling terrible from the curry dinner I ate the day before, so I decided against going anywhere without a toilet I could comfortably sit on without worrying about catching aids.

So instead, Dave, Ryan and Cheri came over for some house-warming and we drank way too much booze and made each other pass out against my wall and video-taped it because we're tards.

thanks for the accolades.

1. Dear loud-talking guy on the bus:

Please shut up about conspiracy theories at 9:15 in the morning. No one is in the mood. Thanks.


2. Dear cold weather:

Thank you for your presence in the bedroom late at night, provoked really cozy naked body-hug-sleeping.


3. Dear Jesus lady who came to my door last night:

I appreciate you trying to save me, but I was trying to masturbate. But thanks for the blessing anyway!


4. Dear Payless Shoes:

Thank you for having one left of the PERFECT big grey purse.

a whopping punch.

Scenario:

I am perched on my stool, filling out the day's paperwork, payroll and checking Outlook Express for the next price change on dildos and butt plugs. All I can think is, "damn, I wish I weren't so broke this week because not having my morning Starbucks or Diet Rock Star (aka a humongous dosage of caffeine) is going to kill me."

As my eyes are starting to drift and my headache worsens from caffeine withdrawal, these two fairy godmothers dressed in blue came into the store and pulled a can of Red Bull out from their backpack, just for me. Seriously. Two Red Bull promo girls saved my whole day. They didn't even try to sell me anything or use annoying promo tricks. They just chatted with me for a second and handed to me the gift of life. Now I am all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and feeling good.

Wicked. That was the best treat ever.

Yeah yeah, consumerism and all that... fuck you, I was exhausted, and you weren't at my store selling me a bag of speed, so...


And to top off my day, I've been listening to "Where is my mind?" by the Pixies on repeat. Customer dissatisfaction be damned, that song is absolutely fucking magical. One of those heart-fluttering, on-the-verge-of-tears-but-why?, can't-help-but-smile-like-a-schoolgirl-with-a-brand-new-crush songs.
Lovely.

don't be such a flake.

Okay so, what the hell is up with Cadbury Flake bars? They are like the practical jokers of the candy-bar food group.

My friend Megan gave me one yesterday because I was in the Worst Mood Ever, and she thought chocolate might help. I didn't end up eating it last night, but I'm sitting here thinking "hmmm this chocolate bar might hit the spot right now." What the hell is up with these things? It's like a prank chocolate bar! No matter how carefully you bite into it, you're COVERED in flakes of chocolate! There's absolutely no avoiding the chocolate flake avalanche. And it's not like you don't know what you're getting into going in, because it says right on the wrapper "FLAKE."


Next April Fools I'm giving these suckers out like old pennies.

go eat worms.

On the bus on my way home from work last night, some girl tapped me on the shoulder and passed me a folded-up piece of paper and said "Here, my friend wanted me to give this to you" and on it was the email address and phone number of the dude sitting with her. He was obviously totally embarrassed and wouldn't even really look at me (although the feeling was mutual)... WHOA uncomfortable! It definitely called for some random person going "AWK-waaaard..." I just was like "err, I have a boyfriend... who I'm actually on my way home to right now..." and she goes "Oh. ... well... you could be friends?" It was so dorky and uncomfortable, but I couldn't help smiling to myself like a goof after I stepped off the bus. It was, after all, sort of cute. But still... the guy was like, 25. By 25, you should have some moves, not just getting your friend to pass on your number like we're in highschool.

heart attack city.

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL?????????????


Last night, I was lying in bed nude, texting my cousin and out of the corner of my eye I saw something dark come in through my doorway and scoot under my bed, followed by my very agitated cat. Assuming it was a mouse, I got grossed out, and was rooting for my cat to kill the sucker. After much pitter-patter and commotion, I could make out these weird high-pitched squeaking noises, and then all of a sudden this CREATURE flies out from under my bed, and out my bedroom door, again followed by my cat, who is by this point going absolutely crazy with rage.

Once I realized it was a bat, I was just losing my fucking mind, and I shut my bedroom door. But the thing about my bedroom door... is that there is a 1' x 2 1/2' space above it for some weird reason, and didn't the bat FLY into the space, right back into my bedroom about 15 minutes later.
If any of my neighbours heard the blood-curdling screams coming out of my lungs, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was being murdered (seriously, my throat still hurts today). Mind you this is all happening at 4 in the morning.

So I'm frantically swatting at this HUUUUUUUGE bat with my pillow, just screaming bloody murder over and over as the thing is flapping and swooping around my head and my NAKED BODY EEWWWWWWW (so vulnerable feeling!!!) and finally I just ran out into the living room and grabbed a blanket to cover up with. I frantically texted Dave, he didn't answer, so I called him in utter panic, and he was obviously in bed so I left this ridiculous, heart-attack-ridden message that I'm sure is absolutely hilarious, and I stood in my living room for about 20 minutes just trying to think of what to do. I'm standing there with my nerves totally shot, realizing there is NO WAY I am going to get to sleep if I stay at my house, so I decided I needed to get my ass over to Dave's and sleep there, but all of my stuff I need is in the bedroom where the BAT is!!! Hahahaha so like a total retard with this blanket draped around me like a little kid pretending to be a ghost at Halloween, I'm sloooowly inching my way into my bedroom, looking all around me 360 degrees, eyes-peeled with my Bat Radar. Each time I felt like the coast was clear, I'd creep in, grab something, and then dart out into the living room and add to the pile of things I was taking with me.

Because I was SO scared, I decided I should probably take as many of my still un-packed personal belongings as I could over to Dave's, to minimize my need to come back to my bat-ridden apartment. I must have looked like a complete nutbar, calling a taxi at 5 am, with two plastic bags, an overnight bag and big microwave-sized box with a pillow stuff onto the top. I felt bad for just leaving my cat there, but she has her rabies shots and I needed to get the FUCK outta there.

I get to Dave's, and I figure I'll just sleep on the couch so I don't bother him or wake him up, because he didn't know I was coming and he had to work today. But then my logic made me think, well, maybe I should just go gently let him know I'm here so that in case he hears me rustling around out in the living room he won't think someone broke in or anything, and come flying out of the bedroom at me with fists-a-plenty.
I go into the bedroom and he's lying on his side, facing away from me, so I very gently put my hand on his hip and whispered "babe, I had to come over, there's a huge bat in my house!" and as soon as he felt my hand on him, Dave literally WHIPPED his body around and put out his arms, and made this HORRRRRRIFIED sound (you know, like that loud sucking-in-air-through-your-open-mouth sound that people make when they are terrified for their lives) and then kept going "OHHHH MYYY GOOODDDD" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. And the whole time he's grabbing my arm to steady himself because he was just SO scared, oh my god you should have seen his face. I would have pissed my pants if I wasn't so upset and shaken-up over the stupid bat. It was so, so, SO funny, his reaction, but I also felt really, really bad. Hahahaha. As I'm quickly trying to explain the situation to him, he doesn't say a single word and just grabs a pillow and presses it against his face, and I'm like "I wanted to come and let you know I was here so that I didn't scare you" and he goes "yeah, that worked out." Ah, you had to be there. It was utterly hilarious. Poor guy.

I slept on the couch and when he came out of the bedroom this morning, I was sitting there drinking water, and he looks at me with this total look of shock and he's like "That actually HAPPENED???" haha. Luckily he was in a good mood about the whole thing this morning but MAN he was scared out of his wits last night.


So basically, last night was heart attack city all around.

there will be blood.

Tonight on my walk home from Michelle's place, I saw what I think was a dead man, up close (about five feet away) lying on the sidewalk, after having been, again, I THINK, stabbed in the side of the head. Then again, this is all what my interpretation of the situation was. There were about six cops gathered around him, and about 25 cop cars all around the Dundas/King/Wellington block.

I walked right by him, literally not five feet away, and his blood was trickling down the sidewalk not an inch from my feet.
I looked right at him as I walked by. It really shook me up.


There were also two fights that I passed. One was on the patio of Crabby Joe's, where two guys were verbally confronting each other, and the one guy, the taller of the two, was doing the puffed-out chicken breast chest thing that tough guys do.
The other one was just outside the Delta Armouries, where two skinny white prep guys were being mouthy to these two older men, one black and one white. I heard the words "stringbean" and "homo" being thrown around.

Then again, I am drunk and high right now. So maybe the words I heard were actually, "gentleman" and "polo"... ? Perhaps they were organizing a match amongst friends. Who I am to get stop them?


Man, all I can think about is all that blood on the sidewalk.

chitty chitty bang bang.

I think I just got a bootycall.

Sweet, I'm like the sex equivalent of Batman. Just shine your penis against a flashlight to make a shadow in the sky and I'LL BE THERE TO EFF YOUR BRAINS OUT!

Oh dear.

(Disclaimer: The previous statement is only applicable to those who I eff on a regular basis. And by "those," I mean "the one person.")

the master plan!

I can't believe I'm seriously missing Cheap Trick on Friday night.
I'm feeling slightly suicidal over this. Just kidding, but I'm ridiculously bummed. They're playing Hawk Rocks The Park on Friday night... and I don't have tickets, AND I have to work until 10.

So here's the plan, are you ready? Someone is going to get me a ticket for just the Friday portion of the festival, and then you're going to put on a black wig and a skirt, and go to work for me - the old switcheroo! No one will ever know, IT'S GENIUS.
After Cheap Trick is done and my life is complete, I'll come back and you will be free to take off your wig and go see Pat Benetar play.


Sound good? Okay then.

L.

I am in love with Dan Aykroyd...

... in case you didn't know...


AND I just found out the other day that he is opening a winery (he loves wine too! Swooooon! we were meant to be, it's fate!) in my hometown of Beamsville! CHECK IT OUUTTTTTT!!! (omg "The winery's hospitality building and production facility will be designed with a number of environmentally sustainable elements including a geothermal heating and cooling system and solar lighting." SWOON x 2!)

This is so exciting for my crappy little hometown. I used to work at a winery there (Eastdell Estates, WHAT WHAT!), maybe I should go back to Beamsville and get hired at Dan Akroyd Winery and woo Dan with my previous winery experience and have a whirlwind affair with him and make him fall in love with me. :o Hahaha.


I saw him in person once, at Sarstock in July 2003 (aka HOTTEST DAY OF MY LIFE, and I don't mean because of Dan!). I was so fucking excited, I didn't even care about The Rolling Stones or AC/DC or Rush as much as I cared about seeing DAN AKROYD in person!!! Sadly, I got no pictures of him that day.


Why am I such a lame-o?


L.

why is he SO HANDSOME???

detroit rock city can KISS my ass.

(credit goes to my lovely partner in being-victim-to-crime, Holly, for that genius blog title.)

So, I just hung up the phone after trying to through to the Detroit Police Crime Reporting Department, because what's the use?

Long story very, very short, Holly, Kendra and I went on a spontaneous road trip to Detroit last night to go see The Long Blondes at the Magic Stick, and had a terrific night - great music, dancing, cute bartender filling the drinks up halfway with vodka - only to find afterwards that Holly's car had been broken into. The smashed in the passenger side front window and do you want to know what those motherfuckers stole? They left her expensive boots, they left her faceplate for her stereo... but stole a handful of cds (probably 8 or so), 80% of which were MIXED, BURNED CDS! What an asshole!

So that kind of put a damper on the evening, but once we got over the initial shock we were just glad that we were all okay and everything... and then when we made a pit stop so I could pee and try and eat something to make up for my lack of eating dinner that night, I discovered that my wallet was... well, definitely not in my purse. It was long gone. I felt really violated for some reason. Everything was in there: my driver's license, credit card, debit card, sin card, birth certificate, ymca card, air miles card, optimum card, health card, chapters discount card, all kind of business cards from friends, a gift certificate for Cineplex Odeon, about $30, and about $40 worth of bus tickets (which is one of the things that ticked me off the most), and most of all, the lucky scarab beetle that my mom gave me. I'm really bummed about that.

Been spending most of the morning calling around, cancelling things and getting replacement cards sent to me, and whatever. Just a big pain in the ass.

Aside from all of the crime, I had an awesome night with those girls, and it was really fun to just jet out of town on a whim... I'm totally into that.
Holly and I decided that the bad luck on this trip wouldn't put a damper on our road trip spirits... next time we are just going to arrive much much earlier in order to find a more well-lit, right-in-front-of-the-bar parking spot.
And David tells me that we are to take a member of the male species with us next time. So, any male chaperones who like rock'n'roll?

Oh, and I flashed a trucker on the way home. Just to lighten the mood.

my stupid life, in soup.

In case anyone is interested, I am currently eating Butternut Squash soup with crumbled crackers that have totally gone soggy, and it kind of feels like I'm eating some kind of weird baby food diarrhea paste. But it tastes rreeeeally good, so I'm over it. Bring on the diarrhea, baby.

- L

perversion.

There are some perks at my job. Not many, but some. A few of note are that:

1. On occasion, I get to meet smoking hot porn stars, such as Lanny Barbie.
2. On occasion, I get samples of products to test out.
3. I go to bi-monthly managers meetings where I get free sex toys, and free lunch.
4. I get to work with a couple of the funniest, most enjoyable women I've ever met.
5. I get a nice, fat discount on porn and perverts' tools.
6. Sometimes I win fun prizes from our incentive games that we do.

So, recently, to elaborate on perk #6, I won a $200 gift certificate to the store. At first I was bummed, because since I pretty much own at least one of everything in the store worth owning, after working there for so long... I would have rather had the cash. But then I remembered that there were a few things I was coveting that were otherwise kind of out of my not-much-disposable-income price range. And I got my staff discount on top of the $200, so I was able to come away with a pretty sweet haul.
Check it out:

My first purchase was a Tantra Beam. Basically, it's a device that makes you look like you have a robo-hand and it makes your finger vibrate so that your finger becomes a vibrator. I always thought this was cool because I like the idea of my own finger getting me off the way a vibrator does, without the plastic intervention.


Here is the device in its little home.



Fits like a charm?



Fear my vengeful Robo-Hand (TM)!

I'll let you guys know after tonight if it's worth it or not.



My next coveted item was the Clone-A-Willy!!! I have wanted this MF for ages now, since it first came into our store. You can make your own vibrating dildo from a cast of anyone's dink! Absolutely ingenious. So hey, for all of you men who don't like the idea of your woman using a toy when you're not around, OR if you get intimidated by your girlfriend's dildos because they're all "so big", first of all: you're idiots, but more importantly, just get one of these kits and make her a copy of your manhood, and you won't have to be jealous of a fucking sex toy! Unless you can fathom being jealous of yourself. Which, again, makes you an idiot.



To be able to tell you guys how this went, I'm going to have to have a volunteer to let me clone his "willy". Any takers? I should hold a contest where you dudes send me pictures of your ween and then I pick the winner whose dink I want to clone. Your prize? Nothing. Or, the satisfaction of knowing that someone thinks your weiner is good enough to clone.

Disclaimer: This contest is fictional. I don't think I really want random weiner pictures in my inbox. Unless, of course, you really want me to see your weiner, for some reason. Plus, wouldn't it be kind of creepy of me to steal a copy of your manhood and be like "Okay thanks, I'm going to go have sex with you without actually having sex with you, now! See you later!" I will most likely just get Dave drunk and try to convince him to stick himself into this tube full of rubber mold and go from there. For his privacy, pictures of the results will likely not be posted. In the words of Salt N' Pepa, "Ehhh, saw-rry!"


Last, and least, because let's face it, I have enough porn to keep a pervert happy for years so it's of low importance on this list, is "Sexual Freak 2". I'm pretty excited about this porn, because Teagan Presley is pretty hot, and there's a really good-looking redhead on the back cover, and I saw a preview for this on another movie I have and it looked pretty decent. It's directed by Robby D., and for those of you who aren't gross sex perverts, he's a really good, innovative porn director whose movies are usually good and very visually stimulating (I mean aside from all of the naked people getting it on in front of your face).




Oh, and I also bought some weird white chocolate-smelling body "fondue" scrub for the shower, but that's boring for you (but delicious for me!) so it's not worth mentioning. Oh, too late?



Alright, you're free to go wash the dirty stink of sex and voyeurism off yourself and watch some Grey's Anatomy, or whatever it is you freaks watch (uhhmm Lindsay, Grey's Anatomy airs on Thursday nights, not Mondays! Get with the program, you culturally-retarded ignoramus! Gawd!!!111).


<

Ps:

I was on some sex toy website looking for a good page to link for the Tantra Beam, and came across this unintentionally funny little quirk:

Haha, I'm not sure what language this is... but anally-frightened women all over the world are nodding their heads in unison right now. Apparently in this language, even the word "anal" is a complete rejection of the idea! Oh loosen up, Germany/Russia/Japan/whoever you are.