heart attack city.

SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL?????????????


Last night, I was lying in bed nude, texting my cousin and out of the corner of my eye I saw something dark come in through my doorway and scoot under my bed, followed by my very agitated cat. Assuming it was a mouse, I got grossed out, and was rooting for my cat to kill the sucker. After much pitter-patter and commotion, I could make out these weird high-pitched squeaking noises, and then all of a sudden this CREATURE flies out from under my bed, and out my bedroom door, again followed by my cat, who is by this point going absolutely crazy with rage.

Once I realized it was a bat, I was just losing my fucking mind, and I shut my bedroom door. But the thing about my bedroom door... is that there is a 1' x 2 1/2' space above it for some weird reason, and didn't the bat FLY into the space, right back into my bedroom about 15 minutes later.
If any of my neighbours heard the blood-curdling screams coming out of my lungs, I wouldn't be surprised if they thought I was being murdered (seriously, my throat still hurts today). Mind you this is all happening at 4 in the morning.

So I'm frantically swatting at this HUUUUUUUGE bat with my pillow, just screaming bloody murder over and over as the thing is flapping and swooping around my head and my NAKED BODY EEWWWWWWW (so vulnerable feeling!!!) and finally I just ran out into the living room and grabbed a blanket to cover up with. I frantically texted Dave, he didn't answer, so I called him in utter panic, and he was obviously in bed so I left this ridiculous, heart-attack-ridden message that I'm sure is absolutely hilarious, and I stood in my living room for about 20 minutes just trying to think of what to do. I'm standing there with my nerves totally shot, realizing there is NO WAY I am going to get to sleep if I stay at my house, so I decided I needed to get my ass over to Dave's and sleep there, but all of my stuff I need is in the bedroom where the BAT is!!! Hahahaha so like a total retard with this blanket draped around me like a little kid pretending to be a ghost at Halloween, I'm sloooowly inching my way into my bedroom, looking all around me 360 degrees, eyes-peeled with my Bat Radar. Each time I felt like the coast was clear, I'd creep in, grab something, and then dart out into the living room and add to the pile of things I was taking with me.

Because I was SO scared, I decided I should probably take as many of my still un-packed personal belongings as I could over to Dave's, to minimize my need to come back to my bat-ridden apartment. I must have looked like a complete nutbar, calling a taxi at 5 am, with two plastic bags, an overnight bag and big microwave-sized box with a pillow stuff onto the top. I felt bad for just leaving my cat there, but she has her rabies shots and I needed to get the FUCK outta there.

I get to Dave's, and I figure I'll just sleep on the couch so I don't bother him or wake him up, because he didn't know I was coming and he had to work today. But then my logic made me think, well, maybe I should just go gently let him know I'm here so that in case he hears me rustling around out in the living room he won't think someone broke in or anything, and come flying out of the bedroom at me with fists-a-plenty.
I go into the bedroom and he's lying on his side, facing away from me, so I very gently put my hand on his hip and whispered "babe, I had to come over, there's a huge bat in my house!" and as soon as he felt my hand on him, Dave literally WHIPPED his body around and put out his arms, and made this HORRRRRRIFIED sound (you know, like that loud sucking-in-air-through-your-open-mouth sound that people make when they are terrified for their lives) and then kept going "OHHHH MYYY GOOODDDD" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. And the whole time he's grabbing my arm to steady himself because he was just SO scared, oh my god you should have seen his face. I would have pissed my pants if I wasn't so upset and shaken-up over the stupid bat. It was so, so, SO funny, his reaction, but I also felt really, really bad. Hahahaha. As I'm quickly trying to explain the situation to him, he doesn't say a single word and just grabs a pillow and presses it against his face, and I'm like "I wanted to come and let you know I was here so that I didn't scare you" and he goes "yeah, that worked out." Ah, you had to be there. It was utterly hilarious. Poor guy.

I slept on the couch and when he came out of the bedroom this morning, I was sitting there drinking water, and he looks at me with this total look of shock and he's like "That actually HAPPENED???" haha. Luckily he was in a good mood about the whole thing this morning but MAN he was scared out of his wits last night.


So basically, last night was heart attack city all around.

there will be blood.

Tonight on my walk home from Michelle's place, I saw what I think was a dead man, up close (about five feet away) lying on the sidewalk, after having been, again, I THINK, stabbed in the side of the head. Then again, this is all what my interpretation of the situation was. There were about six cops gathered around him, and about 25 cop cars all around the Dundas/King/Wellington block.

I walked right by him, literally not five feet away, and his blood was trickling down the sidewalk not an inch from my feet.
I looked right at him as I walked by. It really shook me up.


There were also two fights that I passed. One was on the patio of Crabby Joe's, where two guys were verbally confronting each other, and the one guy, the taller of the two, was doing the puffed-out chicken breast chest thing that tough guys do.
The other one was just outside the Delta Armouries, where two skinny white prep guys were being mouthy to these two older men, one black and one white. I heard the words "stringbean" and "homo" being thrown around.

Then again, I am drunk and high right now. So maybe the words I heard were actually, "gentleman" and "polo"... ? Perhaps they were organizing a match amongst friends. Who I am to get stop them?


Man, all I can think about is all that blood on the sidewalk.

chitty chitty bang bang.

I think I just got a bootycall.

Sweet, I'm like the sex equivalent of Batman. Just shine your penis against a flashlight to make a shadow in the sky and I'LL BE THERE TO EFF YOUR BRAINS OUT!

Oh dear.

(Disclaimer: The previous statement is only applicable to those who I eff on a regular basis. And by "those," I mean "the one person.")